r/SubSanctuary

on my alt but like two nights ago i went through my first sub drop and it was a very intense experience. lots of very negative thoughts. lots of tears. it dragged on into the next day which left me feeling drained and embarrassed.

i hadn't put two and two together until i was trying to Google what could've happened the next morning - in the moment i was just so overwhelmed and out of it, i didn't even register what couldve been happening. i shouldve safeworded but i suddenly felt so dramatic and stupid and ashamed. (for context: online dynamic.) it was like a complete shutdown and i didn't even know what i needed to feel better. it was jarring.

i decided to journal about it to try and feel better. put some of the thoughts bouncing around in my head on paper to feel better. it sort of helped, alleviated some of the shame and stupidity i was feeling.

now i want to make a section i can refer to if i ever find myself dropping alone again for whatever reason. ive read that things like sour/sweet candy can help, or watching comfort shows while cozied up under covers. any and ALL suggestions/recommendations welcome please. the more resources i have to help myself (if i cant ask for help) the better.

Does a Dom have the right to tell you how to spend your money? I understand that there are Doms who demand tribute and there are fun subs who will pay money willingly. That's an entirely different post. What I'm talking about is telling a sub she will pay to get her nails done, pussy waxed or to buy lingerie or entire outfits to suit their tastes.

I have recently encountered scenarios like this when talking to Doms and I said absolutely not and ended the conversation. But it happened more than once which makes me wonder if this is an actual norm with online dynamics?

Hi, all! So a week ago, my Dom/ boyfriend of a year and a half ended things. We started off as a fwb D/s relationship, then fell in love and started a romantic relationship as well. This was my first serious D/s relationship, and it was also the first time I'd ever been in love, I'm 36, and my ex is 27.

Our D/s dynamic was incredible. Great communication, full trust, honesty, respect, and mutual love and honor for kink and bdsm. We flowed perfectly together. Our romantic relationship had bumps, and our communication was not always the best. I'm disorganized attachment. My ex is anxious attachment. We would trigger each other, and it could be a disaster. But we always found our way back to each other in those times.

I'm adopted, so I have some big-time abandonment issues( I am in therapy!). My Dom always told me "I'm in it for the long haul, you're stuck with me", Yada yada. Having this specific trauma, it was always hard for me to hear that because I didn't believe it. But over time, I fully believed it. We talked about future stuff. We're both poly, so we have other partners. We weren't eachothers primary. But we knew we wanted to be with each other for a super long time.

So! My birthday was in mid March, we had a great staycation in town, perfect scene that night. Same as last year. We went to visit my family on the west coast a few days after. We had taken a short road trip for a weekend before, but this was our first real trip away. Not to get into all the details, but there was some hard family stuff happening, and our attachment styles completely crashed. Pretty badly. I hoped we would have a conversation when we got back home, I was going to bring up couples therapy. But the next time we saw each other, my ex said we should break up.

During the breakup, I went down a pretty bad self blame spiral. It was brutal. It was probably 30 minutes after the breakup while I was sobbing on the phone to my best friend that I realized our D/s relationship wasn't brought up or discussed at all(we had never talked about how we would want it to go if we ever broke up). I was confused and heartbroken. I thought that we should have talked about it, honored it, and had some releasing. But there was nothing. I ended up sending a text self releasing myself.

Since then, my anxiety has been through the roof. I feel a weird sense of fear. I'm freaking out about if i should have sent the last text or if i overreacted about needing to be released. I can barely eat, I'm nauseous. I usually have bad sub drops, but this is so much worse. I'm sobbing every day. Don't worry, I've been booking more therapy appointments than usual(luckily, my therapist is knowledgeable with kink and poly!).I have a great community who's been here for me, but only my other partner knows anything about this specific type of relationship(they're a Dom as well, but not mine).

For those of you who have been through this type of relationship ending: what did you do to calm your nervous system? How did you deal with the feeling of losing your role and purpose? That intense attachment and bond? What other tips or advice could you send my way on helping myself heal and move on?

Any advice anyone has would be extremely appreciated! Sorry for the long post, lol. Thank yall so much!

We got into a stupid argument cause i insisted that he'd do something, he made a comment i didn't like and then i got mad about it. The communication was very poor, i got angry easily and i made some hurtful comments about how "he's not the man i need" and "we should end it now so we won't waste our time". I regreted it instantly, cause i said all that without thinking, i'm very impulsive about my feelings. And i told him i didn't mean it, i appologized and i thought that we would just go back to how we were, but he said i already said what i said and that we need to break up. Which we did. Even tho i begged him to stay and not leave me. We were supposed to meet last night but since we broke up, that didn't happen. I got very drunk and i sent him a very long text, i can't build up the courage to read it again and i can't fully remember it but it was about how i felt great with him and he was different and i finally felt seen and appreciated. But i promised i won't contact him again cause i realized i was too pushy after he told me to stop insisting about getting back together. He read all of it and answered politely. I guess that was good bye. I feel so hurt and abandoned right now. It was a short connection, but he was everything i ever wished and i feel lost right now. Please tell me it will get better, i've been crying non stop for the past few days:)

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some perspective from those with more experience in D/s dynamics.

I’ve been talking to someone for about 2 months now. We started off with a pretty strong sexual/flirty dynamic that naturally evolved into more consistent, day-to-day conversation. We talk regularly, there’s definitely chemistry, and we’ve also started building a bit of emotional connection. He opens up about his day, stress, etc., and I feel comfortable doing the same.

We’ve have plans to meet next month and spend about a beer together. He’s made comments about traveling together, visiting each other, even joking about “stealing me away” to his state. So there’s been some future-oriented talk, but nothing explicitly defined.

The part I’m unsure about is this: we’ve never actually discussed what this is supposed to be beyond a D/s dynamic. I don’t know if he typically keeps those dynamics separate from dating, or if he’s open to something that overlaps with a real relationship.

I’m realizing I want clarity, not in a “define everything right now” way, but just to understand what I’m stepping into so I can manage my own expectations and feelings.

The issue is… I’m nervous to ask. Things feel good and natural right now, and I don’t want to come across as too intense or disrupt the dynamic by bringing something more serious into it.

For those who have experience:

- Is this a reasonable thing to ask at this stage?

- How do you usually approach the overlap (or separation) between D/s and dating?

- And have you had situations where early “future talk” didn’t actually reflect relationship intent?

Any insight or personal experiences would really help. I’m trying to stay grounded and intentional without overthinking or rushing anything.

Thank you 🤍

So recently I met someone on a toy control app called tophy and they're a switch like me and we were really hitting it off we would kinda fulfill eachothers needs that sort of thing but today I told him I wanted to take full control and he did some things im uncomfortable with he asked me to send him a bunch of nudes through one of our chats and made it feel like I was being forced and on top of that hes been pressuring me to say I love you when I've told him im in a relationship even though my partner doesn't mind me finding other people to have fun with should I just cut him off were really good friends? And he does listen when I bring up these issues or should I try and work through it with him?

After decades of searching, I’m utterly in love with the most vanilla man. I was sure I’d scare him off when I introduced him to this world, but I’ve discovered he’s the most perfect Dom. He’s the sweetest, most thoughtful person who makes me feel truly seen and safe. But damn—he also makes me melt with his hand around my throat, calling me his good little cum slut and telling me to beg for Daddy’s cock. It’s better than I could have ever imagined. He came out of nowhere - what a stumbling sweet surprise. I’m so happy.

No limit slut in training - new term for me

I've chatted with D for two months now and we saw each other once (and it was pure fire), he is eloquent, creative, handsome, hot, and puts energy in our D/s relationship, he is present, follows-through, I'm really happy so far, and he praises me and even said he is starting to adore me.

But I'm still guarded as I've had bad experiences in the past and this is a budding (but promising) relationship. He travels constantly so I don't get to see him physically that often but I get challenges almost daily, dirty talk, praise etc. I am in training and I'm loving it.

There is though a little orangey flag starting to emerge and I'm turning to this awesome community for advice, he says things like "My wish is your command" (hot right) but also "No limits allowable, safeword permitted" and has now labeled me as his No-limits-slut-in-training.

Now admittedly his steadyness, his authority, how demanding he is and the whole idea of having no limits does really turn me on in the fantasy world, but in reality I always thought a sub with no limits was a red flag?

Or does he consider limits to be different than boundaries?

He is super open to us talking about this more thoroughly cause I did mention to him feeling a little nervous about the "no limits" label.

I think what I need to make sure of first is that he is a true Dom that has my well being at mind, that will care for me and wants me to grow and be empowered. Sometimes it's good to test your limits, overcome them etc. And so I do enjoy where his energy is leading me.

Your thoughts, ideas, advice and how to address this discomfort, or if him saying that should be considered a red flag?

My fear being I go in my sub space, and I'm subservient, I love to please Sir, I'm also a service slut, so yeah I go there and do something I didn't want, and I don't have that many limits really, I guess what it all boils down to is I suspect he likes poop play and that for me would be off limits, like he has said we will do ATM and he wants me to put it in my mouth no matter how dirty....that he will train me. Can you go from total disgust to enjoyment through training?

It's a fascinating world the world of D/s

P. S on another note he asked me if I'd be willing to put the label "In consideration of D" on my fetlife account. Cute right? I'm wondering how to interpret that.

Thanks for reading and for your insights

Basically the title.

Also what are the things you enjoy about your submission?

Since March 2025 and I have not cum without permission. My partner has been the one to give me permission, usually in person, sometimes by text, and occasionally by proxy. Usually I'm given permission once or twice a week. She ramped me up to 10 days once and I was absolutely feral.

Sometimes though, she gets me mid ramp and then has stress at work and kind of loses track of permission. What is hard is when our energy is mismatched: I keep going up while she is going down. We like the overall dynamic, but haven't found a safety valve for this situation.

I'm at day 7 and am not sure if or when I'll get relief, but I don't want to bother her (begging is fun, but that's different).

Any suggestions?

your instructions were, "when you get home, plug yourself with the dolce and offer yourself to me."

from that moment, all i could think about was you, master. i wanted to rush through my to-do list just to be yours, just to serve. but i forced myself to take my time and do things properly, because thats the kind of fucktoy i am, thats the kind of fucktoy you expect me to be.

finally home, i immediately plugged myself, and sent you a message. "your property is at your command"

i lay on the bed and waited. naked from the waist down. waited. waited to feel you in me. minutes passed, anticipation rising, juices flowing, and then there you were. 

and with one little buzz, i was transformed. no longer in control, no longer making decisions. i was in your hands. i became your obedient, mindless fucktoy. 

within minutes i was begging to cum. and you permitted. i came. shattering against your cock, and then again. harder. you kept going, and i gave you one more.

you let me catch my breath and relax for a bit, and off i shot to subspace.. floaty and mindless..

and then you asked something new of me. something i would never have done previously. something that had anyone else asked at any other time, wouldve brought me out of subspace in an instant and ruined the mood, but when you asked, it felt so natural. so normal, that i just did it.  

it felt strange but also wonderful. i felt like i was giving u more of me. like you were claiming a part of me that i thought would remain untouched forever. and within seconds, i came undone. without warning or permission. cumming hard like never before.  and just when i thought i couldnt anymore, you pushed me a bit further, knowing that i could take it, and another orgasm ripped through my body.  and i was gone.

i gave you everything. you took it all. you thanked me for my service. you said i did amazing.

thank you master. thank you for teaching me. thank you for guiding me. thank you for pushing me. thank you.

Hi. I'm not entirely new to this lifestyle but it's been a long time. Recently, I started looking for a new Dom. I met someone, we'll call him R, and so far I see all green flags. It feels pretty wonderful. We think the same way about all the important things, and we're both really excited to talk pretty much all the time. We've covered our kinks, likes, dislikes and what kind of D/s relationship we're looking for. Same page. But my insecurities are getting the best of me. I asked him what level of involvement he's looking for - it seemed like a reasonable question. He said he would like to chat every day (which I expected) but he doesn't have any expectation for meeting/playing and he doesnt' know what that looks like yet. We are talking on the phone tomorrow, and he's said he'd like to meet in person. But that insecurity is telling me he's hedging his bets like he thinks maybe it won't work. Buttt he constantly tells me how much he's enjoying our conversation! Ah! It's our second day of chatting, and I don't want to seem too overeager. Am I just overanalyzing it?

I’ve never felt so safe or cared for in my whole life. I do everything I know I can to please but it still never feels enough. Having a domme who is all about denying and pleasing me but not reciprocating is hard to wrap my mind around sometimes. My thinking is so often very transactional. I need help in that department. What has helped you not be so insecure or fearful? I do have communication and reassurance but the fear still lingers and has a hold on me. It’s the easiest to shut down when we’re actively in a session and I’m being stimulated. I just need to understand if anyone else has this same fear and what I can do to be a better girl for my domme 😔🤍

Maybe just looking to vent I don’t know…. things have to end with my current dom even though I really don’t want it to end. He doesn’t treat me like a priority - I feel like I don’t matter and I’m just there whenever he wants to use me. The other side of that is someone who I have really opened up too and I feel a great connection with him. I don’t need much but I also feel like I can’t ask him even if he is busy to just say he is and I’m on his mind. Instead communication slows - seems like everyone needs him and he saves me for last. I don’t expect to his whole world I really don’t. But this feeling I’m feeling right now is shit. He’s been a little distant this week got a small insight on how this week has been hectic and someone else needs him. Not even a “sorry”. I’m no one to him… this is just a really sucky place to be in. Because I don’t think I could even ask for a teaspoon more. I should have not gone this deep with him. Anyways thanks for staying

I’m currently denied in chastity, being teased daily. I just got told I am not getting to orgasm for the next 10 days minimum and for dinner out tonight I am to be plugged the whole time. I don’t think I’ll even be able to hold a conversation. How do others handle a situation when you are so completely owned and stimulated that your mind goes to mush?

Has anyone dealt with a lot on the daily then feel like you drop into sub mode on accident? I've been with my mom at the hospital and it's been a lot. I just noticed I've been going kind of into little space/puppy space on accident

I can't keep searching for a Dom. I just can't do it anymore. It's taken a toll on me. I either get ghosted, I'm not attracted to the person, or during the vetting stage all I'm getting is red flags. I don't have the strength to keep trying and keep searching and keep finding fake Doms. In my search for a real Dom I've got an STD. I've been abused. I am physically and mentally drained. Maybe I should just find a vanilla relationship or maybe I should give up on finding any kind of relationship. Being without a Dom makes me feel less of a sub. I know I'm more than a sub as a person but that part of me that wants to submit to somebody I love is unfulfilled. I think it's time that I just give up and if the right person comes along it'll be a gift from God. Just needed to vent again. I think it's time I take a break

My D just railed the LIFE out of me and frankly I could barely hear his sweet words to me over my screams but… gosh I love him so much. He ordered a collar for me and I hope I get it soon! I’m so excited to be collared. One day I’ll be posting here and referring to him as my HusDom :P

I've been a slave for a while, and my sister recently told me that she's submitting to a friend of hers. Ever since she told me that, I just have this scene playing in my head where we're both being slapped around and whipped by my Master. So we're not playing with each other, but Master is playing with both of us at the same time. I don't know why but it sounds like a fun idea. I don't think my sister would ever go for it, so it's never going to happen anyway, but am I weird for even thinking of doing this? We've always been really close and we've openly talked about our sex lives to each other. But still, I feel like it's objectively weird to want this, but I still want it. Not sure if that makes sense, but I'm curious for other's thoughts on this

Hello everyone!

So my Doms birthday is coming up next week - yaaay^^

And I want to gift him something.

We’ve been seeing each other for a few months and dynamic is great!

For context, we hang out both in and out of the sub/dom relationship and enjoy each others company.

He’s the type who don’t wish for anything and doesn’t really get off on any sexy outfits and such, so I’m having a hard time to come up with things to gift..

Any suggestions?