My Dom just ended things, need advice
Hi, all! So a week ago, my Dom/ boyfriend of a year and a half ended things. We started off as a fwb D/s relationship, then fell in love and started a romantic relationship as well. This was my first serious D/s relationship, and it was also the first time I'd ever been in love, I'm 36, and my ex is 27.
Our D/s dynamic was incredible. Great communication, full trust, honesty, respect, and mutual love and honor for kink and bdsm. We flowed perfectly together. Our romantic relationship had bumps, and our communication was not always the best. I'm disorganized attachment. My ex is anxious attachment. We would trigger each other, and it could be a disaster. But we always found our way back to each other in those times.
I'm adopted, so I have some big-time abandonment issues( I am in therapy!). My Dom always told me "I'm in it for the long haul, you're stuck with me", Yada yada. Having this specific trauma, it was always hard for me to hear that because I didn't believe it. But over time, I fully believed it. We talked about future stuff. We're both poly, so we have other partners. We weren't eachothers primary. But we knew we wanted to be with each other for a super long time.
So! My birthday was in mid March, we had a great staycation in town, perfect scene that night. Same as last year. We went to visit my family on the west coast a few days after. We had taken a short road trip for a weekend before, but this was our first real trip away. Not to get into all the details, but there was some hard family stuff happening, and our attachment styles completely crashed. Pretty badly. I hoped we would have a conversation when we got back home, I was going to bring up couples therapy. But the next time we saw each other, my ex said we should break up.
During the breakup, I went down a pretty bad self blame spiral. It was brutal. It was probably 30 minutes after the breakup while I was sobbing on the phone to my best friend that I realized our D/s relationship wasn't brought up or discussed at all(we had never talked about how we would want it to go if we ever broke up). I was confused and heartbroken. I thought that we should have talked about it, honored it, and had some releasing. But there was nothing. I ended up sending a text self releasing myself.
Since then, my anxiety has been through the roof. I feel a weird sense of fear. I'm freaking out about if i should have sent the last text or if i overreacted about needing to be released. I can barely eat, I'm nauseous. I usually have bad sub drops, but this is so much worse. I'm sobbing every day. Don't worry, I've been booking more therapy appointments than usual(luckily, my therapist is knowledgeable with kink and poly!).I have a great community who's been here for me, but only my other partner knows anything about this specific type of relationship(they're a Dom as well, but not mine).
For those of you who have been through this type of relationship ending: what did you do to calm your nervous system? How did you deal with the feeling of losing your role and purpose? That intense attachment and bond? What other tips or advice could you send my way on helping myself heal and move on?
Any advice anyone has would be extremely appreciated! Sorry for the long post, lol. Thank yall so much!