Idk if this is the right group for this…
Little background.. I smoked meth back when I was 20-21 ended up moving more south to live w my mom and get clean. Mind you I was battling w crack at 18-21 too. Long story short I had a son.. had been clean for over a year maybe even two years. I met this girl I worked w that went to prison for trafficking meth so of course I knew her name and shit I think my son was 3 or 4 when I did it for the first time in a long time. 12k spent later, no job later, losing custody of my son later, etc. So obv I stopped, we had a temporary order to where I couldn’t see him until I did this outpatient program thing and talked to a counselor etc and finished all that in 2023 and got my custody back.. it was 50/50 before and now it’s 60/40 his mom 50 me 49.Fast forward to november 2024 im living w my brother but he’s never home due to his job ( sons now 5) I started smoking again.. wasn’t shooting but every time I’d be w him I’d be in the bathroom taking hotrails and he’d say “daddy why does it smell like fireworks in here” after I finally opened the door. It would stall us going to the pool so many times just because I wanted to get higher. Fast forward to late 2025 after my lease was up I moved in w my mom to save money. Schedules still the same w lil ma but im started to shoot up again. Remember the 12k lost? Job lost? Losing son? Yeah I’m starting to shoot up again and no one knows it. So I end up getting my own place recently and I love it here. Decorated it nice.. has a pool that we go swimming in every time I have him. But for the past two nights I’ve had him (it’s gonna make me cry even thinking about it) he fell asleep on the couch waiting on me to come out of the bathroom cause I was trying to find a vein and I kept saying 5 more minutes buddy. After we got done at the store today he said daddy when we get back can you not go in the bathroom so long and can we just go straight to the pool. *thank god I hit first try* Yall gotta understand.. this kid is the BEST fucking boy you would ever meet in your life. Never ever talks back… has the kindest heart. He’s outgoing to everybody just like I was when I was his age( mind you he’s 7 now) but tonight I was in my room trying to find a vein and the last thing he said was daddy I’m hungry (I had mozzarella sticks in the air fryer already done w the oven being pre cooked for pizza.. we were gonna watch movies etc. so when I finally came out of the room he was asleep and I just held him and cried.. and idk if yall know how hard it is to cry after talking a shot of meth but it’s pretty hard. And what hurts me the most is every single time either when we’re at the pool and I’m swimming w him.. or we go grocery shopping…or we go fishing (no me scrolling on my phone type shit) he says “daddy this is the best day ever” like dude lately i feel like I don’t even deserve this kid. I just don’t know wtf to do.. I did the math and have spent $1,900 on drugs some January.. which is the exact amount it would take to buy all of the food for this 90 day meal plan I created and haven’t started yet. I just want some advice yall.. should I open up to my mom? Keep it a secret and stop on my own? Maybe talk to a therapist (I don’t have insurance)
Moral of the story (much love if you read this far) is I know I’m a great dad. We’re waking up early tomorrow to go to the water park. I already got us movie tickets for tomorrow night. Who knows Sunday we may go to the beach. It’s just the me knowing how big of a piece of shit I am and him not having a clue like I’m the best thing in the world to him fucking kills me. Any relatable success stories would be much appreciated. If you have any questions ask away.