It feels impossible to bring up sex
I won't be too long winded, and I suppose the reasons aren't too important. Very sheltered, conservative upbringing, SA'd and abused for 7 years in first relationship I ever had.
Anyway, I'm now in an incredible and loving relationship, but we don't have much sex. I honestly am not all too bothered by that, for the most part, and neither is my partner. However, for some reason I've had a huge spike in libido recently. I think about it all the time, and I'm pretty sure my partner would usually be all for it if I initiated.
Only, I can't. I freeze up every time I try. I'll think about it all day, know what I'll say, or do, and feel confident. Then, when the time comes, my brain just won't do it. I'll get frustrated if I feel too tired, I'll worry that my partner might not be having the best day for it, I'll ruminate over the idea that if I test the waters with just some nice touch, massaging, just being close in general, my partner will not want to be too crowded, or they'll sense that I'm headed that way and feel like I'm coercing them (which I would never do)
The obvious answer seems to be that I need to talk it out. But my brain shuts down there, too. I'm awful at flirting, my mind practically refuses to say anything Sexual unless I'm being ridiculously silly about it. Then, if I muster the courage to shyly talk about it honestly and raw, it feels like I'll just ruin any possible mood for sex and I have no idea how many times I'd have to awkwardly so that and not have sex before I can finally shift into something more confident.
So any advice would be appreciated. Thank you