Married early-30s pastor looking for community
Hey friends,
I’m an early-30s pastor, married almost seven years (together nine), fairly new dad, and I’m reaching out because I’m genuinely craving real community here. I love Jesus, I pastor in the church, and I’m also just a regular guy who masturbates almost every day. I enjoy porn a lot (especially authentic, self-made, positive-feeling stuff that doesn’t feel super staged or fake) and while I don’t carry heavy guilt about it, there’s still some tension I wrestle with.
My wife is my best friend and the person I’m closest to in every way. When we do have sex it’s passionate as fuck and deeply connecting, she’s down to explore fantasy, occasional shared porn, and she fully gets into it once we’re going. The real struggle is the libido mismatch. Early on (dating and the first couple years of marriage) she matched or even outpaced me, but it’s shifted hard. Now her interest feels minimal and super random. She’s shared that sex used to feel exciting before we were married because it was “taboo,” but marriage took that edge off. Plus early marriage we were in ministry housing where privacy was basically nonexistent (people could hear us and make comment), and that messed with things for her. Her body also changed; certain things that used to drive her wild (like nipple play) now feel too sensitive and actually hurt if she’s not already turned on. Trying to build things up romantically sometimes works, but other times it backfires and she gets frustrated, telling me everything leads to sex, which leaves me feeling pretty undesired. She can go weeks without initiating and only engage after real effort on my part, then suddenly be all in at the most random, inconvenient moments. The randomness is honestly exhausting, but once we connect it’s fire.
On top of all that, I’ve got this honest, ongoing desire for more sexual experiences, both mine and hers. It’s about sharing each other with another woman, man, or couple. I like the idea of watching her have sex with someone else or her fucking someone else, and me fucking someone else with her there. I also like the idea of us sexting and digitally playing with other people, just opening things up a bit while still being fully committed to each other in an exclusive way. It has nothing to do with not being attracted to or excited by my wife; she’s still my best friend and the person I’m closest to. We’ve actually talked about it, and when she’s sexually engaged she enjoys fantasizing about it during sex, she’s even brought up watching me with another woman. A while back she had a brief one-month stint posting herself on Reddit and sexting there, which was really exciting, but it was short-lived. If her libido were more consistent, I think it would be easier to explore this together, but for now it mostly lives in my head as fantasy.
I'm here simply hoping to connect with other believers (especially other pastors but I'm open to talking with anyone) who are walking these same messy roads: high sexual drive, regular porn and masturbation, libido differences in marriage, and those fantasies about opening things up. Guys, girls, couples—anyone who loves Jesus and serves in the church but deals with this stuff. No pearl-clutching, no instant judgment. Just a real space to talk openly, vent, swap stories, and maybe find some encouragement.
If any of this hits home, drop a comment or slide into the DMs. I’m all ears.
Just a regular dude who happens to wear the pastor hat, looking for others who get it.