Wanting sex but rarely enjoying it! And the confusion with that (feedback appreciated!)
So as some info; I’m 25, bisexual, nonbinary (afab), and neurodivergent. I have had sex plenty of times just not recently. (Bit of a long post but I appreciate if you read and give me some feedback/thoughts)
I’ve never been able to have an orgasm. I don’t know why. People might say well ask for what you know you like in bed or do what you know you like while pleasuring myself . But I haven’t really found the things I like that would work. I mean sure I like some kinky stuff like spanking but that’s not gonna give me an orgasm lol. Also self pleasure does little to nothing for me. It has to be another person if there is any chance to get a decent amount of pleasure from it.
I am bisexual but I have very little experience with women mostly due to lack of confidence and opportunity. But I’ve had sex with 12 people in my life . Most of which were decent or bad. 2 were good/good ish but not that memorable. And 1 was really good!! I don’t think the one who was really good did like specific things that I could ask for in the future though. I mean he could read my body,eyes, and mind really easy. I didn’t really have to tell him much , I just liked most everything he did. Plus he’s just good in bed and he was also in my preference down there too. Plus I was in love with him and got to snuggle too. (He didn’t feel the same about me and I knew that the whole time. But I couldn’t exactly control my feelings).
Anyways i have also gotten toys before and I always end up regretting it because just like any self pleasure it just doesn’t do much for me. Like someone else could use the exact same toy or do the same thing with their hand and it would feel way better than me doing it to myself idk why!
And penetration always hurts me to some extent. Doesn’t matter how much lube there is or how gentle they do it. I am very tight and it always hurts. I do find if they go fast it doesn’t hurt as much since there isn’t constant pressure. (But I do typically like it a bit rough in bed tho so it’s complicated). Also my rule id sex is worth it if there is more pleasure than pain! And the doctor says everything is normal down there though .
(Also idk if it’s important info but I am a lot more into receiving than giving. I want to give them pleasure but I just am not into stuff like oral. And I am overweight so riding is just gonna hurt my back and knees too much. Plus I find that position hurts worse for penetration.)
Also for the last few years it’s been harder for me to see people I feel physically attracted to. I can still see people look good but I don’t feel that attraction pull towards them or the urge to sleep with them or anything. If I do feel that way it almost always is just some person on TikTok or something (Max Anthony for example lol). But in person if I do feel physically attracted to somebody I see irl it is usually a woman. I feel like I see a lot more women I find attractive than men.
I definitely crave sex and get really sexually frustrated . Especially since it’s been over 2 years since I’ve had sex. But that’s almost always the case with me , I’ll have sex 1-3 times and then have a dry spell for at least 6-24 months if not longer! Which sucks!!! But regardless I just get so confused like how can I crave something I typically don’t even enjoy?
It gets me in my head like am I even bisexual? Am I on the ace spectrum? Etc etc. I doubt I am on the ace spectrum when I am not in my head. Plus I’ve been attracted to men and women since I was 14.
But I have trust issues with women. Most women I’ve known platonically and not platonically have hurt me in one way or other. They’ve ghosted, been fake, talked shit behind my back, broken my trust, etc! Also as someone who’s neurodivergent I can struggle to read people but I especially struggle to read women. I’ve always had more male friends than female friends. Mostly due to getting along easier with men and being able to relate more to them. But with all that said over the past couple years even though I am still bi my attraction in general has leaned more towards women! Even though usually if I think about sex I think about sex with men. But that could just be due to lack of experience having sex with women idk.
Anyways I just am so confused and don’t understand the whole wanting sex really bad but also rarely enjoying it thing? Like how can you want something you usually don’t like?