The Journey Forward
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I've reached a place in my life where I'm ready to share my journey openly—a path that has woven together spirituality, sexuality, and the quest for authentic connection.
Childhood Beginnings
Even as a child, I questioned established traditions. Part of this skepticism manifested as an innocent fascination with nudity—both my own and others'. Before puberty, this curiosity felt pure and natural, without any of the complications that would later emerge.
When adolescence arrived, these innocent curiosities transformed into something more complex. Suddenly, desires that had felt natural were being labeled as "evil" by the religious community around me. This created a profound internal conflict—how could something so innate to me be wrong?
Faith and Questioning
My relationship with Jesus had been central to my life since childhood. I had walked with him, talked with him, and built my life around his teachings. Yet these newly labeled "evil" desires felt just as fundamental to who I was as my spiritual connection.
As I reflected on Jesus' teachings, I began to understand that his message wasn't about rules but about love. "Love your neighbor," "feed the poor"—these resonated because they reflected Jesus' fundamental nature. This led me to a question that haunted me: "How does consensual sex violate the law of love?" No traditional answer satisfied this inquiry.
Despite participating in countless purity culture events and wearing a purity ring for five years, this question remained unresolved in my subconscious.
Transformation and Shame
When I finally lost my virginity during a night of drinking, I felt deeply broken and worthless. Even my understanding of grace and forgiveness couldn't lift this weight.
Years later, my spiritual journey took an unexpected turn when I encountered a group of mystics who introduced me to a more radical, experiential understanding of Jesus. My perfect theology was upended as I began to see Jesus as the very embodiment of love itself. This mystical approach rekindled the childlike faith of my youth.
Yet the shame returned. Many in this new grace-focused Christianity still emphasized sexual purity, but I couldn't reconcile this with my fundamental question about love and consent. Without a framework to hold the tension between sexuality and spirituality, I trusted in the innocence of my question.
Exploring Ethical Non-Monogamy
As I continued my journey, I had several sexual experiences—some casual, some within relationships. Interestingly, I repeatedly found myself in unplanned group situations. My first sexual experience was in a threesome (MMF), and my first several encounters involved group play.
In my first long-term relationship, my fantasies about group play intensified. We decided to explore this dynamic together, with a commitment to evaluate its impact honestly. If it produced "bad fruit" in our relationship or the community, I would reconsider my path.
Our experiences revealed that while negative encounters weren't unheard of, the majority produced what I would call "good fruit"—expressions of connection, joy, and authenticity that felt spiritually nourishing.
Our first two experiences were with a couple nearly twice our age. We met at their cabin and spent hours talking, driving through the woods, and genuinely connecting. The intimacy felt holistic rather than merely physical—four humans connecting in innocence.
Another experience at a swinger party in Utah showed us the community's positive nature. We didn't engage sexually but enjoyed the naked hot tub with others. I was struck by the kindness and acceptance present, and found healing in discovering many participants were former LDS members working through similar religious trauma.
Our final experience was with another former LDS couple our age—genuine, down-to-earth people like everyone else we had met.
When this relationship ended, ethical non-monogamy wasn't the cause; in fact, it had been one of the healthier aspects. We simply weren't aligned spiritually, and I knew I couldn't build a family with that foundation.
Intellectual and Spiritual Integration
After these experiences, I sought intellectual frameworks that could help me understand what I had experienced philosophically and morally. Three books particularly helped ground my intuition:
"Divine Sex" by Philo Thelos
"Original Blessing" by Matthew Fox
"The Wee Wee Guide to Sensual Prophetic" by Matthew Fox
Through further research, I discovered that similar perspectives existed within esoteric frameworks of the early church before its integration with empire.
Current Relationship and Future
In my current 10-month long-distance relationship, I've found someone who is gradually meeting me where I am. After a previous relationship where sharing this part of myself went poorly, I was hesitant to be vulnerable again.
What's beautiful is how this relationship began: after posting a meme about my views on social media that went viral, a woman messaged me, and we quickly fell in love.
It took me six months to share my full story with her. Though initially startled, she remained open and contemplative. Four months later, she's genuinely exploring these ideas with me. We're enjoying the innocence of sexuality together, sharing photos, and experiencing healing.
There's still foundational work to do before we might connect with others, but we've both felt so much healing already that I'm optimistic about our future. In the meantime, I'd love to connect with other couples or individuals who are navigating similar journeys of faith and sexuality—perhaps for conversation, and who knows what else might develop.