u/mysterymeating

a couple of years ago, i weighed 115 pounds at 5'3, and now i weigh 172. despite being on t, a lot of the weight has gone to my hips and thighs and chest. i have stretch marks, thighs that rub together, cellulite on my butt, and c cups when i used to have a.

i used to be terrified of gaining any weight and being seen as anything less than totally male. i felt like nonbinary people were always seen as basically women and didn't want that for me. but i always had an intense detrans kink and the changes in my body were making me incredibly horny.

my men's clothes stopped fitting and became unflattering, and for a while i stopped binding because i didn't own a single binder that fit. i started trying out more feminine clothes, going from cargo pants to yoga pants and wearing a sports bra with fitted t-shirts. it was kind of nice to not obsess over my appearance, and i started asking my friends to use "they" pronouns for me.

then, i had a fit of dysphoria. i buzzed off all my hair, went back to strictly men's clothes (and threw out all my women's clothes), and started asking to be called he/him again. but the damage seems to be done now.

i have to wear very oversized clothes to even sort of hide my curves, went from needing an xs binder to a large, and now all of my friends have fallen into calling me "they" and even sometimes "she". it's clear they no longer see me as remotely male.

i feel the need to defend my masculinity, but i'm also so turned on by being misgendered and kind of miss my girlier presentation. i'm starting to wonder if maybe being a man just isn't going to work out for me.