The Cost
I traded your heat for the cold approval of a world that does not know your name. I bowed to their "order," wearing the armor of their expectations, and in doing so, I left my life’s only truth behind in that room. I chose the safety of the shore over the storm of us, only to realize that the shore is where the spirit goes to die.
Now, the silence of this house is a physical weight, a debt I can never repay. In the hollow hours of the night, when the masks are stripped away, I am haunted by the ghost of your smile—that sudden, breaking light that made everything else irrelevant. But it is the memory of your skin that truly unfastens me.
I remember the devastating grace of your surrender.
I can still feel the slow, arched architecture of your back beneath my palms, the way you would pull me into you as if trying to merge our very marrow. There was no "right" or "wrong" in those moments, only the raw, rhythmic friction of two souls reclaiming their bodies. I remember the velvet weight of your chest against mine, the salt of our skin, and the way your breath would hitch at the exact moment the physical world dissolved into something holy. It was a sacred geometry—the curve of your hip becoming the only horizon I ever cared to follow.
The skin has a memory that the mind cannot override. My hands still ache with the ghost-pressure of your thighs and the way the air in the room seemed to vibrate with our shared pulse. We reached a point of total annihilation, a blinding center where there was no "you" and no "me"—only a single, thrumming frequency of being alive.
Now, I am a man who has everything the world says he should want, yet I am a beggar for a single second of that forbidden touch. I see you in the sway of every shadow; I feel the phantom warmth of your lips in every gust of wind. I am a prisoner of a choice I was too weak to fight, condemned to spend my life remembering the only time I was ever truly free.
They say time heals, but time is just a sharpening stone. Every night, I lie in the vast, cold desert of my bed and realize that those fleeting minutes of our union were worth more than a century of this "respectable" life.
I walked away to save my place in their world, only to find that without you, there is no world left worth saving.