Missing ENM - Help!
I feel like I need someone to talk some sense into me. My (29F) boyfriend (29M) and I have been seeing each other since 2019. We were nonmonogamous in the beginning, which was challenging because he was failing to tell sexual partners that he was in a committed romantic relationship.
We decided to stop sleeping with people other than each other when COVID shutdown happened for safety reasons, and the monogamy just stuck.
We are now 6+ years in and live together with our pets. Recently I have started rediscovering my love for all things kink and BDSM, and for some reason have began fixating on the idea of having an MFM threesome. It’s an experience I’ve wanted since I was 20, I came close once but it never happened for me. (ETA: my partner is also kinky and plays into almost every other kink I have).
My partner and I are very open with each other, and have been kinky our whole relationship, so I talked to him about how I was feeling. He is supportive but uncomfortable, which I absolutely understand. He also kind of confirmed to me that he is straight, as he had alluded to being bisexual our whole relationship, and I obviously didn’t pressure him to label his sexuality at all.
I think what I need to do now is let this go, right? The relationship isn’t perfect but it is damn near, and we do a lot of work every month in couples therapy to keep it that way. One of the main points of contention, for lack of a better term, in our relationship is how much he is dragging his feet to propose (an issue that we’ve been processing since WAY before I brought this up, he was not hesitating because of this).
I think I’m blowing the fantasy of multiple-partner sex out of proportion and this FOMO feels pathological. There’s no way a stupid threesome is as fun and rewarding as being in love, but I can’t seem to get myself to let it go. I’m autistic so my brain does tend to fixate on things.
Basically today I had the thought “Why am I giving up having countless threesomes for a man who won’t propose after 6 years” and basically gave myself the ick because girl, what???
I guess I need someone to tell me to suck it up and appreciate the love I get to experience, and maybe how? I can’t help but I’m giving a part of myself up in the relationship but “I’m not satisfied in my relationship because my partner won’t spit roast me or let me get spit roasted by 2 other men” sounds CRAZY to me. I feel manipulative and sleepy just thinking it.
Help!! Please be gentle, I’m sensitive.